Directed by Ridley Scott
I know, I know…what the hell was I doing going to see this flick, anyway? Had an afternoon to myself in the ‘burbs and thought, what the heck. Also, I’m a believer in 3D technology and like to support it when I can.
So…how bad was it? Pretty, pretty, pretty bad! Let us count the ways (minus the obvious & heinous lack of diverse casting choices):
1) Why oh why must all Bible films be utterly devoid of irony, humor and joy? This film is all gray. Even DeMille’s version had Edward G. going for it.
2) How many excellent actors can we waste in one film. Turturro, Kingsley, Aaron Paul…I mean, they’re not bad…but, why? However, the award for the worst two-line performance by an excellent film actress, EVER, goes to Sigourney Weaver.
3) Christian Bale’s accents manage to visit all four corners of the United Kingdom, with a side journey to Five Points of Daniel Day-Lewis’ “Gangs Of New York”. It’s a complete smorgasbord of indecision. The poor shmuck with the thankless task of overseeing continuity was obviously terrified of the actor. I counted SEVEN distinct accents. And the less said about Joel Edgerton’s Scottish brogue the better. “So it is written…so it shall be emoted…!”
4) The re-interpretations of the story are…interesting? I mean, huh?
5) The first act is INTERMINABLE!!!!!
6) The second act is INTERMINABLE!!!!
7) The postscript is hurried and painful as we’re so aware Scott was like “okay…let’s wrap this sucker up!”
On the plus side?
1) Scott knows how to make an epic LOOK really cool (the CGI is excellent and the 3D is utilized sparingly).
2) Maria Valverde and Dar Salim are actually quite good in secondary roles. And Ben Mendelsohn chews up some decent scenery – meh – he sucked too but was at least less boring.
3) The third act only takes about twenty minutes (and, like the ship going down in Titanic, is why we’re still watching this piece of dookie)!
– and best of all –
4) The digital presentation froze a couple times in the first twenty minutes so they gave us all a free pass for a future film….so…not so bad!
Originally reviewed on 12/12/2014